


what am i supposed to do now, without you?

by orphan_account



Series: love in your point of view [2]
Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 19:58:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5883619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here are some facts:</p><p>-Fish can’t survive out of water<br/>-Mammals are warm-blooded<br/>-Staring at the sun directly can cause serious damage to a person's retina<br/>-Zayn’s always loved Liam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what am i supposed to do now, without you?

Here are some facts:

-Fish can’t survive out of water  
-Mammals are warm-blooded  
-Staring at the sun directly can cause serious damage to a person's retina  
-Zayn’s always loved Liam.

 

 

Since they first met— on Eileen Street as the rain poured down, Liam dangling his beloved X-Men comic from his fingers like a peace offering even though Zayn was the one who dropped it— his love for Liam’s been a constant presence in his mind and life.

 

It only progressed from that rainy day, as Zayn’d managed — somehow — to snag Liam’s number. They’d texted every week, then every other day, then every day after the _Drowning Comic Incident_ until Zayn was so glued to his phone that Louis threatened an intervention. 

 

The situation worsened when Liam and his mate Niall began to sit with them at lunch, Niall cracking jokes and laughing at every second word out of Louis’ mouth, Liam shyly offering up his strawberry milk to Zayn.

 

(It was a testament to how much he loved Liam, because Zayn hated any kind of flavoured milk, and he detested strawberry milk the most, yet every time Liam held out the tiny carton, Zayn would always accept and force down a few mouthfuls in some misguided attempt to get Liam to like him.)

 

Things went from bad to worse when Harry Styles joined their group halfway through their last year of high school. Liam shared a Biology class with him and Zayn’d been insanely jealous of the instant connection between them, brooding for long periods of time without explaining why he was so angry. 

 

That wasn’t the worst of it though, because Louis instantly fell in love with Harry and his curls, but so had Niall, creating an awful mess that only became more awful when Harry chose Niall over Louis. 

 

It was made apparent to him that he was so gone for Liam it wasn’t funny during that period, because through all of the insufferable drama — _“I can’t_ believe _Niall would betray me like that! I called dibs on him, didn’t I?”_ and _“I don’t want to hurt him, but I just don’t love him in that way.”_ and _“You can’t call dibs on a_ human being _, Louis!”_ — all Zayn could think about was Liam and the way that his curly hair flopped over his forehead.

 

Shameful, really, especially since Louis — supposedly his _best mate_ — went through hell, but Zayn couldn’t really help the way his gut twisted every time he saw Liam, a sensation that made the Harry-Niall-Louis drama seem so mundane.

 

Regardless, since then, Zayn has tried his damnedest to stay out of every and any kind of dramatic situation, forgoing tears and hurled pieces of fruit and the terrible Louis-Harry-Niall love triangle to cuddle into Liam instead.

 

It’s an easier life.

 

(Forgoing the fact that Liam’s not in love with him. And that every time he tucks himself under Liam’s arm he gets a rush of affection and want that it’s almost uncontrollable. And that Liam’s smile cheers him up better than anything else in the world. And that just catching a mention of Liam’s name will brighten up his entire day. And that days without seeing Liam are always the worst.  Other than that.)

 

Of course, there are always days when Zayn buries his head in his hands and doesn’t move for an hour or two. Just sits back with a cigarette or twenty and watches the sky streak pink and purple. Broods and spray paints every inch of his art room until he has to white-wash because there isn’t any space left. Hides away and types up angsty poems on his old rickety computer that he can’t bear to get rid of. 

 

It gets so fucking bad sometimes that he tells Louis that he wishes that he could get rid of Liam completely. Erase him from his life and go on without the hole that currently resides so achingly permanent in his heart. Usually he’s met with a raised brow and a scoff, the words spit back out at him in disdain. 

 

(It hurts a little, he’s not going to lie. Out of everyone, he’d have thought that Louis would be the one to understand — he is the expert in unrequited love, after all, and his love story ended a lot worse than Zayn would ever let his end. But, perhaps like everything else, his love for Harry could be more about attention and the need for a dramatic flair than being real. It wouldn’t surprise Zayn all that much if that was the case.)

 

But Louis' right.

 

Even though Liam makes him want to tear his hair out with sheer frustration — who the fuck knew that it was possible to look like a puppy one minute, all cute and happy, then fuck-me-against-the-nearest-wall intense the next — Zayn can’t imagine a world in which Liam isn’t in his life.

 

A world where falling asleep over his computer or a comic won’t mean he’ll then wake up in bed with his shoes removed, flat tided. A world where hangovers don’t translate to days spent in bed with a cup of tea and long fingers tangled in his hair. A world where he won’t pick up those weird star-shaped candies, red apples, and strawberry milk out of habit at the supermarket. A world where when something went wrong, he’d have to face it alone without the help of anyone.

 

Even though loving Liam sometimes makes him want to tear his own heart out of his chest and stomp on it until it's a red pulp, he still can't imagine a world without him, but his pointless romantic love for him is going to ruin that if he's not careful.

 

So, one day in the middle of a particularly violent Niall-Louis altercation — which, even well into university, were frequent and nasty, especially when Harry wasn’t around — he came up with a remedy to cure himself of pining after Liam, suitably named _The Liam Payne Remedy_. 

 

_The Liam Payne Remedy_ is relatively simple; ignore Liam or pay more attention to someone else when his emotions get too out of hand. It’s easier said than done, because Zayn always wants to pay attention to Liam or have Liam pay attention to him, and it’s instinct to respond and cuddle him as often as socially acceptable. 

 

Still, as soon as _The Liam Payne Remedy_ was thought up, he’s followed it like it’s some kind of code to the universe. As a remedy, it hasn’t worked too well thus far, but he’s sure it will eventually.

 

His love for Liam, he’s sure, is nothing more than an infatuation — Liam is just one of the greatest people Zayn’s ever known, and that greatness has obviously blinded Zayn and driven him to temporary insanity and a strange obsession with his biceps, killer jawline, incredible voice and —

 

Well, his everything, mostly.

  

Not because Liam isn’t worth his love — if anything, Liam is the person on the planet who deserves love the most — but because a life and a romantic relationship with Liam is incredibly unrealistic; almost on par with the possibility that Niall and Louis will ever get along the way they did when they were seventeen.

 

Zayn’s broken it down into three points, to simplify it for himself when things get tough, when all he wants to do is kiss Liam until neither of them can see straight, and they follow as such;

 

   -  Liam is a hundred percent straight. He goes out with beautiful girls with sharp wits and striking eyes, whose laughter sounds like music, not boys. Never boys. None. Ever.  


   -  Even if Liam isn’t straight (he’s a hundred percent straight), he’s so far out of Zayn’s league that it’s almost laughable that Zayn would even consider Liam ever being remotely interested in him romantically. Sure, Zayn knows he was attractive — he isn’t blind, for Christ’s sake — but he’s also moody and inconsistent. He’s a frustrated bastard on his best days and a chain-smoker on his worst. People like Liam — who are as near perfect as humans can be — don’t consider people like Zayn romantically.  


   -  Even if Liam isn’t straight (still at a hundred percent) and he was in Zayn’s league (not even close), there’s always that chance that a romantic relationship between them wouldn’t work out, then where would he be? He would not only break up with his boyfriend, but he’d lose the person he was closest to in the entire world. If he lost Liam to something as silly as a break up, he’d lose his drive, his willpower, his want to succeed.  


 

Along with _The Liam Payne Remedy_ and the three points, Zayn’s managed to keep himself pretty on-track with all things concerning Liam, reminding himself why he can't have Liam and how to try to stop wanting him in his arms always.

 

Doesn't always work though, mostly because there are flaws in every plan but also because Harry Styles is a bastard who frequently tries to meddle in other people's lives — despite the fact that he's a twenty-six year old and he'd more than capable of looking after his own life, thank you very much.

 

But — and he's confident of this — one day, when he's older, he'll be over Liam Payne.

 

He'll look back on all the years he wasted uselessly pining over him and giggle at his naïvety. He'll squeeze the hand of his husband or wife and tell them all the reasons why he loves them, and he'll be able to distinguish between that and what burns his mouth every time Liam gets down on himself. He'll be able to cuddle into Liam and not feel like his heart's running a marathon, nor that he'll melt into a pool of nicotine, spray-paint and poorly penned RnB songs.

 

For now, he'll keep using _The Liam Payne Remedy_ and keep reminding himself of the three points, and he'll get through his stupid decade-long phase eventually, maybe when he meets the real love of his life. 

  

He might need Liam to survive — there's no question about that, both figuratively and literally on a few terrifying occasions — but he doesn't need Liam in that way.

 

He's Zayn fucking Malik, for God's sake.

 

He sings at the top of his lungs in the shower, he can't really dance — despite Liam's best efforts — but he can write and sometimes he'll buy a packet of Oreos simply to scrape off the cream and just eat the biscuit, even though he knows it's wasteful.

 

He doesn't pine over men who'll never love him back for a decade and then wonder where his life went one day.


End file.
